Govt rejects poverty line, says prosperity line better for social objective

Govt rejects poverty line, says prosperity line better for social objective

SINGAPORE — The government was today baffled by calls from social workers and experts to define an official poverty line, when the problem had been declared extinct a good twelve years ago. It was in 2001 when former diplomat Kishore Mahbubani proudly told the world: “There are no homeless, destitute or starving people in Singapore. Poverty has been eradicated.” With such a bold proclamation coming from a respected thought leader and current Dean of the Lee Kuan Yew School of Public Policy, government officials have since operated on the premise that poor people exist only in third world countries. “Poverty?…

Grow or bust

Slow down? I will starve to death!

Based on a true story. A fat man walks into a clinic one day. “Good morning, mister, how can I help you today?” asks the doctor. “Hey doc, I have a problem,” the man says, not looking too happy. “I’ve been on a supersized diet for the last forty years. It used to make me strong and muscular, fitter than everyone else, but in the last twenty years or so I have grown so much, now I have difficulty getting around. “Everyone hates me because everywhere I go, I jam up the space. In trains, in buses, on the streets,…

Supporters cheered when Mr Mah woke from a long slumber

Mah Bow Tan: I retired after wife urged me to sleep at home instead

Former minister for national development Mah Bow Tan has revealed in an interview that he had retired from politics after his wife had urged him to sleep at home instead, and not because he was caught doing so on the job as widely believed. Two years after stepping down from his post, the MP for Tampinese GRC said he had left office with no complaints or regrets. When he retired after the 2011 General Election, there was widespread surprise that he had actually been around for the preceding decade. Many were under the impression he had retired in 1999, when…

Job perks include blind support and adulation

“Wife of a preacher man” tops dream career poll

SINGAPORE — “Wife of a preacher man” has emerged top in a poll on dream career choices among teenagers and other impressionable young adults. This came after revelations in court of $500,000 paid in bonuses and advances to a pastor’s singer wife from the church building fund. The singer, popularly known as Ho Ho Ho (All The Way To The Bank), and husband Kong Hee Huat Chye, founder of DupliCity Harvest Church (DCHC), are currently on trial for misuse of church funds. Youngsters polled were lured by the promise of huge monetary returns and island resort homes on minimal talent…

Tolong, tolong, please send rain so that our construction workers can carry on working.

A hazy tale of PSI and two ministers

SINGAPORE — A week of record haze levels has tested the resilience of a country, and brought out the best and worst of Singaporeans. Spontaneous acts of Singaporeans coming together to assist the poor and elderly are marred by accounts of profiteering on N95 masks and citizens accusing one another of spreading half-truths on the haze. According to one health expert, “What doesn’t kill us now can only make us stronger — I mean, making us a stronger risk to lung cancer in future.” “But any risk of casualty so far is not so much from the haze itself, but…

PM Lee draws groans as “Mee Siam Mai Hum” comedy gig goes global

PM Lee draws groans as “Mee Siam Mai Hum” comedy gig goes global

Washington — PM Lee Hsien Loong made his long-awaited première on the after-dinner comedy circuit last night, drawing largely negative reviews from an audience of stoic and middle-aged U.S. businessmen. Armed with a stockpile of crass and offensive jokes, he drew groans — and few laughs — with his quips, including several about China’s environmental problems. “Beijing residents joke that to get a free smoke all they have to do is open their windows!” Mr Lee said, as members of his entourage were seen shielding their faces and cowering in their seats in visible embarrassment. Mr Lee also alluded to thousands of…

Punggol East candidate says: Let them eat bak kwa!

Punggol East candidate says: Let them eat bak kwa!

[Warning: This is pure satire] SINGAPORE: The four candidates vying for the Punggol East parliamentary seat will be campaigning hard over the next nine days to capture votes from some 31,600 residents. The four are: Dr Koh Poh Koon from the People’s Action Party (PAP), Mr Kenneth Jeyaretnam from the Reform Party (RP), Mr Desmond Lim from the Singapore Democratic Alliance (SDA) and Ms Lee Li Lian from the Workers’ Party (WP). Already, residents recounted the drama today at Rivervale Plaza, a hotspot for campaign activities where Mr Lim was the first to arrive this morning. “Dearest residents of Punggol…

Dr Koh Poh Koon

Top colorectal surgeon will see us over faecal cliff: PM Lee

[Warning: This is pure satire] SINGAPORE: A by-election will be held for Punggol East Single Member Constituency (SMC). President Tony Tan Keng Yam issued a writ of election today setting Nomination Day for next Wednesday. Polling day would be on January 26. The single seat SMC has been vacant since Member of Parliament Michael Palmer resigned for crossing the age boundary in his party mandate as “auntie-killer”. Mr Palmer had “killed” a People’s Association sweet young thing instead. The surprise announcement came after Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong said he was still mulling over whether to call a by-election. Insiders…

"An email from Void Decker!"

It’s not slower growth, stupid!

Dear Vivi, Long time no hear! Having fun immersing yourself in your current job as Environment and Water Resources Minister? I was so happy to see you in the news yesterday. It’s always good as a politician to keep your profile up despite your literally shitty portfolio. Remember, visibility is key! For bloggers, it’s easy because they can just write some silly things to make fun of the government. Politicians, on the other hand, are supposed to be wise. I’m glad you have used the old trick of looking clever by repeating the party mantra when you actually have nothing of value…

The joke's on us

Chong Pang cat programme? You’re having us!

Our local papers may be controlled by the government, as we saw in an earlier post on the release of the tell-all book by former ST Editor Cheong Yip Seng, but that hasn’t stopped our fine journalists from exercising creativity in manoeuvring around the OB markers and even expressing their great sense of humour. Imagine my delight at spotting this wonderful piece of satire on TODAYonline about the introduction of a pilot cat programme in Chong Pang. Hilarious stuff — and it’s not even April Fools! Mr Cheong must be proud. Chong Pang residents can own one cat per flat Good news for feline…

On Lawry's reading list

Of course it was never about politics!

Oh, for the exuberance of youth! After the last General Election, first term politician and current Senior Minister of State Lawrence Wong was fast tracked to ministerial office and is now firmly a member of the new guard of PAP leaders entrusted to engage Singaporeans in the national conversation. Touted as one of the “fabulous five” slated for higher office, he must have received some personal coaching from our veteran ministers on the harsh realities of political life. Perhaps in one of these intimate one-to-one sessions with a senior member of the party – it could have been the Prime…