Top colorectal surgeon will see us over faecal cliff: PM Lee

Dr Koh Poh Koon

Expert in faecal policy

[Warning: This is pure satire]

SINGAPORE: A by-election will be held for Punggol East Single Member Constituency (SMC). President Tony Tan Keng Yam issued a writ of election today setting Nomination Day for next Wednesday. Polling day would be on January 26.

The single seat SMC has been vacant since Member of Parliament Michael Palmer resigned for crossing the age boundary in his party mandate as “auntie-killer”.

Mr Palmer had “killed” a People’s Association sweet young thing instead.

The surprise announcement came after Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong said he was still mulling over whether to call a by-election. Insiders revealed that the government was actually searching desperately for the President, who had gone missing.

The head of state was last seen queuing for paddler Lee Jiawei’s autograph at the London Olympics last August while serving as Chief Cheerleader for the China table-tennis B team. There was relief all around government quarters when he showed up today, a little red-faced with the writ in one hand and a table-tennis bat in the other.

Apparently, the President has just returned from China. “[The bat] is a farewell gift from Jiawei. Personally signed, of course,” said the misty-eyed President, even as nobody asked.

PM Lee said after the resignation of Mr Palmer that his first priority was to find a candidate who is less good-looking and charismatic.

“The uglier, the better,” said PM Lee. “No more extra-marital affairs, okay? I need a candidate who is totally charmless and a complete turn-off to scare away our PA ladies.”

“Someone like Teo Chee Hean,” said PM Lee, thoughtfully, before adding with a giggle: “Or even better, Mah Bow Tan and Wong Kan Seng!”

Inspiration struck the Prime Minister after a spate of troubles for the government ranging from worker strikes and Mr Palmer’s affair to the controversy over the PAP town councils’ software deal with Action Information Management (AIM).

PM Lee explained: “When shit hits the fan—relentlessly, I must add—it becomes painfully obvious that I lack someone with the right expertise and experience to clean up the mess and see us over this faecal cliff.”

“So Teo roped in his football kaki. The guy may be as lousy at football as Teo himself, but he happens to be a top colorectal surgeon!” said the PM, beaming with visible relief and excitement.

“Hopefully, this will stem the verbal diarrhoea from pesky bloggers,” continued PM Lee.

“A by-election will also distract Workers’ Party before they question us on the AIM deal in parliament next week. They can be such a pain in the ass.”

PAP MPs interviewed today welcome the announcement on the by-election.

Mr Teo Ser Luck, Punggol East’s current caretaker and MP for the neighbouring Pasir Ris-Punggol GRC, said: “It’s about bloody time! I have been doing the job of two MPs and had to miss the grassroots Christmas trip I was looking forward to the whole year!”

Minister in the Prime Minister’s Office and MP for Yuhua Grace Fu said: “It’s good that residents of Punggol East get to select someone to represent them.”

“But we must not miss the fundamental point that it was all down to the incompetence of the Workers’ Party,” she warned sternly to puzzled reporters.

MP for Tampines GRC Baey Yam Keng declined comment, citing a gag order from the Prime Minister following his recent foot-in-mouth social media misadventure.

Meanwhile, amidst the ongoing AIM saga, social activist Alex Au is calling a tender for a contract to manage the threat of defamation suits.

Mr Au, of popular blog Yawning Bread, said: “Having to deal with each letter from the PAP’s lawyers is cumbersome and inefficient, so I’m sourcing a vendor to manage all the lawyers’ demands on my behalf and address the deficiencies in the process.”

Mr Au has already received three letters from the lawyers in the past twelve months.

Several companies interviewed are wary of taking on the contract. One company confirmed that it will not be bidding because it did not want to take on the obligation of ensuring no resulting law suits, a requirement of the tender.

“You must be crazy to take on that Davinder Singh,” revealed a company executive, who declined to be named.

But the company at the forefront of the current AIM saga has already expressed an interest in bidding.

“We are one big family at the PAP, always looking out for one another, so AIM feels confident of meeting Mr Au’s requirements,” said AIM’s director Mr Chandra Das.

AIM will outsource the work of removing offending blog articles and posting apologies back to Mr Au, but will offer one part-time staff to manage the blogger.

When asked if there might be potential conflict of interest when dealing with PAP’s lawyers, Mr Das said: “We are all after the interest of the Party, so what conflict is there?”