Punggol East candidate says: Let them eat bak kwa!

Punggol East By-Election

List of stand-up comedians

[Warning: This is pure satire]

SINGAPORE: The four candidates vying for the Punggol East parliamentary seat will be campaigning hard over the next nine days to capture votes from some 31,600 residents.

The four are: Dr Koh Poh Koon from the People’s Action Party (PAP), Mr Kenneth Jeyaretnam from the Reform Party (RP), Mr Desmond Lim from the Singapore Democratic Alliance (SDA) and Ms Lee Li Lian from the Workers’ Party (WP).

Already, residents recounted the drama today at Rivervale Plaza, a hotspot for campaign activities where Mr Lim was the first to arrive this morning.

“Dearest residents of Punggol East, Desmond Lim is back!” the joker declared at the top of his voice, leading to a stampede as horrified shoppers made a mad rush for the nearest exit.

The SDA secretary-general continued his speech in front of a small group of students he had rounded up from North Vista Secondary School during Nomination Day. Highlighting his competency and sense of responsibility, Mr Lim cited the continued M1 service failure since the telco’s principal engineer abandoned his job and went walkabout.

Mr Lim was asked if he is confident of getting his election deposit back. He said, smugly, “No problem lah. I’ve already counted at least 13 people in the ward who promised to vote for me.”

When reminded that the requirement is 12.5 percent of votes, not 12.5 votes, Mr Lim turned visibly pale and uttered, “Shit! No wonder everyone is saying—”

The vulgar word was overheard by a passing-by Dr Koh who mistook it as a desperate plea for his expertise.

Photo-op!” he hissed, springing into action. Reporters from the nation-building press who had been fawning over him scrambled to get their cameras ready as Dr Koh rushed to Mr Lim’s side.

“I’m a doctor. Do you require medical assistance?” The colorectal surgeon put on his best charm in a PAP-style cringeworthy moment of tender loving care amidst a dozen flashlights going off.

There was relief all around when it was confirmed—never mind a ghastly Mr Lim who had gone into shock—that the camera shots were deceivingly flattering. Dr Koh and his entourage then promptly walked off.

Despite being flanked by hand-holding PAP nannies everywhere he goes, Dr Koh remains in denial by insisting that he is his own man and will run his own campaign.

It is a campaign that got off to the worst possible start when he called himself as a product of meritocracy, managing to at one go praise a system derided by his squeezed middle-class voters while simultaneously proclaiming himself to be better than everyone else.

Since the gaffe, Dr Koh has displayed a confused penchant to say anything just to please the voters.

When asked about general concerns of $90k COE prices, he said: “It is a worrying sign. Personally I could never imagine spending a week’s wages on just a piece of paper.”

The surgeon was quick to justify his two cars as deserving fruits of meritocracy after his lame tale of incredible destitute years ago as a result of overspending on a flat.

In an attempt at humility, though, he added: “But I take the MRT sometimes too. In fact, when I was first told to come to Punggol East just two weeks ago, I took the train and ended up in Jurong East!”

The “Son of Punggol” was also asked on his views on depressed wages for low income workers, some of whom struggle to feed their families with two rice meals a day.

The surgeon hesitated with a baffled look, before offering simply, “Let them eat bak kwa then!”

Not to be outdone by Dr Koh in the contrived kinship contest, Mr Jeyaretnam has labelled himself “son of a dud” in honour of those who will be voting for him.

“I’m counting on the duds to vote for me, because they will see that I’m just like one of them,” said the RP candidate.

A Reform Party supporter argued that the number of RP supporters does not reflect the popularity of the party. Members of the party are convinced that they will have a simple majority as long as they receive 10 votes in the by-election.

Meanwhile, Ms Lee was also spotted on the campaign trail, accompanied by MPs of Aljunied GRC.

“This election will be a barometer of the Workers’ Party’s performance, ” she said. Standing behind her, Mr Chen Show Mao and Mr Pritam Singh exchanged uneasy looks, before quietly slipping away.